Shirley

Many years ago, a middle aged woman was going
to take a car trip to visit family in another state.
Her family was against this because it was a long
ways to and she'd be alone. They were afraid for
her safety. But the old lady would not be deterred.
She went to the local department store and asked
if she could rent or borrow a male mannequin
(clothed, of course). Since their's was a small town
and the store management knew her, the answer
was "yes".

So, off she went with the mannequin in the
passenger seat. Her family was satisfied.

After she had gone a few miles, the mannequin fell
over. She righted it and went a ways farther and it
fell over again. This happened time and time again.
Finally, she got disgusted and threw it in the trunk.

Later, she stopped for gas, the sttendant asked if
she'd like to have the spare tire checked for pressure
since he had checked all the other tires.
She said, "Sure."

After she had gassed up, she drove on. About three
blocks down the street a cop pulled her over, asked
her to get out of the car and give him her keys. She
didn't know why, but she did as told. After the cop
looked in the trunk he hand-cuffed her and took her
off to the police station.

Finally, they told her that it had been reported that
she had a dead, dismembered body in her trunk.


*Contribution by my dear friend Shirley.

You are a Keeper

One day a woman's husband died, and on that clear, cold
morning, in the warmth of their bedroom, the wife was
struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't
"anymore".... No more hugs, no more special moments to
celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no
more "just one minute."

Sometimes, what we careabout the most gets all used
up and goes away, never to returnbefore we can say,
"Good-bye", or say, "I love you."

So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when
it's broken and heal it when it's sick. This is true for marriage
.....and old cars... andchildren with bad report cards, and dogs
with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep
them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Some things we keep -- like a best friend who moved away
or a sister-in-law after divorce. There are just some things
that make us happy, no matter what.

Life is important, like people we know who are special.
And so, we keep them close! I received this from someone
who thought I was a 'keeper'! Then I sent it to the people
I think of in the same way...

Now it's your turn to send this to all those people who are
"keepers" in your life, including the person who sent it, if
you feel that way.

Suppose one morning you never wake up -- do all your
friends know you love them? I was thinking...I could die
today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had
any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed
rekindling or three words needing to be said. Let every
one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think
they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what
those three little words and a smile can do. And just in
case I'm gone tomorrow.

I love ya!!!

Live today because tomorrow is not promised.

A poem from the Ann landers column- On This Day

On This Day
>>Mend a quarrel.
>>Search out a forgotten friend.
>>Dismiss a suspicion and replace it with a trust.
>>Write a letter to someone who has lost faith.
>>Keep a promise.
>>Forget an old grudge.
>>Examine your demands on others and vow to reduce them.
>>Fight for a principle.
>>Overcome an old fear.
>>Take two minutes to appreciate the beauty of nature.
>>Tell someone you love them.
>>Tell them again,
>>And again,
>>And again.
>>
>>
>>The lady who sent this poem to Ann Landers said her
>>Mother pinned it up where she could read it every day.
>>Said it expressed her Mother's attitude about life.
>>
>>She suggested that if each of us would take a few
>>moments to read these words and put them into
>>practice, the world would be a better place.


*Contributed by my dear friend Shirley

A couple oddball sayings

• There's a new law firm in town: Dewey, Cheatem, & Howe

Hickory, Dickory Dock

The mouse went up the clock

The clock struck twelve

And the mouse went out for lunch.

Fashion Conflict- PG-13

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with
this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has
a fit, telling her not to go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern
times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day, the the teenager comes downstairs, and the
grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager
wants to die. She explains to granddaughter that she has
friends coming over and that is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds,
then I can display my hanging baskets."

A Minute

A Minute

A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up
at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to
talk with God.

"God," he said, "how long is a million years?"

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God answered, "To me, it's a penny."

The man then asked, " God, can I have a penny?"

God answered, "In a minute."

Moped

Moped

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a Cougar XR7.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a Moped
(about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the
sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young man replies, "A Cougar XR7. It cost a half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles per hour!" states the young dude
proudly.

The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I can take a look inside?"

"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the
window and looks around. Then sitting back on his Moped, the old man
says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"

Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just
what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer
reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It
seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!

Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! "What on Earth could be
faster than my Couger?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the
accelerator and takes the Cougar up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him,
he sees that's the old man on the Moped. Amazed that the Moped could
pass his Cougar he gives it some more gas and passes the Moped at 275
mph. Whoooooosh!

He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man
gaining on him again. Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the
gas pedal and takes the Cougar all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds
later he sees the Moped bearing down on him again. The Cougar is flat out
and there's nothing he can do. Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of
his Cougar, demolishing the rear.

The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive!!! He
runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything
I can do for you?"

The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook...my suspenders
from your side-view mirror.


*Contributed by my dear friend Shirley