Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Noah in Modern TImes

Here's a funny modern day take on Noah's Ark. It's just for a laugh, so please don't take it too seriously :)

And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark."

And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark.

"OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain, "thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark.

"Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems.

First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans.

Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.

My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S.Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls.

Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls.

Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm supposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax.

I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "The government already has."
*received through email from my mom

Monday, November 15, 2010

Fw: This is how a stimulus package works...

It is a slow day in the small Montana town
of Pumphandle, and the streets are deserted.
Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and
everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting
the area drives through town, stops at the motel,
and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants
to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the
night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel
owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay
his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the
$100 and runs down the street to retire his debt
to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100
and heads off to pay his supplier, the Co-op. The
guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay
his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been
facing hard times and has had to offer her
"services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the
hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel
owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100
back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect
anything. At that moment the traveler comes down
the stairs, states tat the rooms are not satisfactory,
picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced
anything. No one earned anything... However, the
whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the
future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies
and gentlemen, is how a stimulus package works.


*Contributed by my dear friend Chandrasekhar G

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Fw: Animals really are amazing . . . .


*Contributed by an email sent to me from my

dear aunt RiverEyes

Thursday, June 24, 2010

South African doctor invents 'anti-rape' condom

And please do listen to the doctor talk about her invention...

-- Contributed through an email from my dear friend "Chandrasekhar G"

Thursday, April 15, 2010

April Fools: Math Class Shadow

*Contributed by my dear friend Chandrasekhar G

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Understood or Shall I repeat the lesson?

*Contributed by my dear friend Chandrasekhar G

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Lemon Meringue

Don't forget, I want it back too, should be interesting.

No cheating.

If all of the eight desserts listed below were sitting in front of
you, which would you choose (sorry, you can only pick one)!

Trust me...this is very accurate.

Pick your dessert, and then look to see what psychiatrists
think about you.

Remember - No Cheating.

Make your choice before you check the meaning.

After taking this dessert personality test, please send this
e-mail on to others, but when you do, be sure to put your
choice of dessert in the subject box above. Also, send it to
the person who sent it to you; Don't forget to change your
dessert choice in the subject box before you forward it.

Here are your choices:

1. Angel Food Cake

2. Brownies

3. Lemon Meringue Pie

4. Vanilla Cake With Chocolate Icing

5. Strawberry Short Cake

6. Chocolate Cake With Chocolate Icing

7. Ice Cream

8. Carrot Cake

No, you can't change your mind once you scroll down;
so think carefully about what your choice will be.

O.k. - Now that you've made your choice, this is what the
researchers say about you... Scroll Down---No Cheating

1. Angel Food Cake -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm
and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an
ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as
being childlike and immature at times.

2. Brownies -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, and are a
champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers
flare up you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball
with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be
very loyal.

3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your
hands, you are an excellent caregiver and a good teacher. But
don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva
at times, you set your own style because you do your own thing.
You shine when it comes to helping others and have many friends.

4. Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing -- Fun-loving, sassy,
humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and
lacking motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but
you are a practical joker.. Others should be cautious in
making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

5. Strawberry Shortcake -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care
about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the
same in return. Intuitively keen. You can be very emotional at
times but a true person in every way. You like to do things for
yourself and help others learn about themselves.

6. Chocolate Cake with Chocolate Icing -- Sexy; always ready
to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and
passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm
on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for any-
thing average in life. Love to laugh.

7. Ice Cream -- You like sports, whether it be baseball, football,
basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate,
but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote
control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

8. Carrot Cake -- You are a very fun loving person, who likes to
laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you.
You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times.
You have many loyal friends. You were meant to lead and teach
others. A wonderful role model.

Please send to all your friends.....including me! Don't forget - put
your choice of dessert in the 'Subject Box' above before you forward.


-- Cindy Williams :-)
Founder of Teaching Hands
Building World-Wide Communities -- Together!