Dealing with Traffic

Dealing with Traffic

A farmer lived on quiet rural highway. But, as time
went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that hes chickens
were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So
one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've
got to do something about all of these people driving so
fast and killing all of my chickens." "What do you want
me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a
sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said,
"You've got to something about these drivers. the 'school
crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again,
the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new
sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really speed them up. So the farmer called and
called and called everday for three weeks. Finally, he
asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. is it all
right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign."
He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in
order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no
more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff
decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers.
Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, sure I did. And not one chicken has been killed since
then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the
phone. The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that
farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be
something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw
the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in
large yellow letters were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.


*Contributed by the wonderful Shirley and her stories at Teaching Hands.

Mud Puddles and Dandelions

A friend of mine had let me post this wonderful story,
which she had recieved via email, and I hope it will fill
your heart with delightful inspiration and cheer.

Mud Puddles and Dandelions

When I look at a patch of dandelions,
I see a bunch of weeds that
are going to take over my yard.
My kids see flowers for Mom and
blowing white fluff you can wish on.

When I look at an old drunk and he smiles at me,
I see a smelly, dirty person who probably
wants money from me and I look away.
My kids see someone
smiling at them and they smile back.

When I hear music I love,
I know I can't carry a tune and don't have much
rhythm so I sit self consciously and listen.
My kids feel the beat and move to it.
They sing out the words. If they don't know
them, they make up their own.

When I feel wind on my face,
I brace myself against it . I feel it messing up
my hair and pulling me back when I walk.
My kids close their eyes,
spread their arms and fly with it,
until they fall to the ground laughing.

When I pray,
I say thee and thou and grant
me this, give me that.
My kids say, "Hi God! Thanks for my toys and
my friends. Please keep the bad dreams away
tonight. Sorry, I don't want to go to Heaven
yet. I would miss my Mommy and Daddy."

When I see a mud puddle I step around it.
I see muddy shoes and dirty carpets.
My kids sit in it. They see dams to build,
rivers to cross and worms to play with.

I wonder if we are given kids to teach or to
learn from?
No wonder God loves the little children. ^_^

"Enjoy the little things in life, for one
day you may look back and
realize they were the big things."

I wish you mud puddles and dandelions...

Police Tickets

>>

>> Police Tickets

>>

>>

>> Good:

>>
>> A policeman had a perfect spot to watch

>> for many speeders , but wasn't getting many.

>> Then he discovered the problem- a

>> 10-year-old boy was standing up the

>> road with a hand painted sign, which

>> read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer

>> then found a young accomplice down

>> the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and

>> a bucket full of change. ( And we used to

>> just sell lemonade.)

>>

>> Better:

>>

>> A motorist was mailed a picture of his

>> car speeding through an automated

>> radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was

>> included. Being cute, he sent the police

>> department a picture of $4o. The

>> police responded with another mailed

>> photo of Handcuffs.

>>

>> Best:

>>

>> A young woman was pulled over for

>> speeding. As the motorcycle officer

>> walked to her car window, flipping

>> open his ticket book, she said, "I bet

>> you are going to sell me a ticket to

>> the "Highway Patrolmen's Ball"

>>

>> He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't

>> have balls."

>>

>> There was a moment of silence while

>> she smiled, and he realized what he'd

>> just said. He then closed his book, got

>> back on his motorbicycle and left.

>>

>> She was laughing too hard to start her

>> car for several minutes.

>>

>>

>>

>> _____

For Those Who Think They Knew Everything

For Those Who Think They Knew Everything

Here's a Refresher Course...

• The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substite for Blood Plasma.


• No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh go ahead... I'll wait...


• Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So watch your ass.)


• You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.


• Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.


• The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.


• The king of hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE.


• American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 0ne (1) olive from each salad served in first class.


• Venus in the only planet that rotates clockwise. (since Venus is normally associated with women, what does that tell you? ) (That women are going the 'right' direction?)


• Apples, not caffeine, are most efficient at waking you up in the morning.


• Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!


• On the genetic level, all humans are 99.9% identical. So, your family tree might be larger than you think.


• The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the firsr 'Marlboro Man'.
• Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
• PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!
• The three most valuable brand names on Earth:Marlboro, CocoCola, and Budweiser, in that order.
• It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but not downstairs.
• Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

And the best for last...

• Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don't you?)

So......................

NOW YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!

Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on... and go move your toothbrush!

Your Age By Chocolate Math

Chocolate lovers unite!

I am not sure how or why this works but it does!
Something fun to play with for a minute or two.

YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH

Don't tell me your age; you'd probably lie anyway-
but the Hershey Man will know!

This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute .
Work this out as you read .. Be sure you don't read the
bottom until you've worked it out!

This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would
like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10 )

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold )

3. Add 5

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add
1759 ... If you haven't, add 1758.

6.. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number The first digit of
this was your original number (i.e., how many times you
want to have chocolate each week ) .

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE!
(Oh YES, it is!!!!! ) THIS IS THE ONLY
YEAR (2009 ) IT WILL EVER WORK,
SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT
LASTS. Chocolate Calculator.